You're not here... you're there.

Where? Anywhere but here.
Seems like an endless play of words. But this is the truth. And you wish you could just laugh out loud one day and say, "Yeah! It was all just a joke.."

I forget which movie it was that said, "When you've got nothing to lose, you ain't scared anymore." I'm still scared because now I fear I may never get past that stage of emptiness someday. We just hope we can one day look eye to eye and say, "I understand the way you feel."

Tears are wasted for there's not a shoulder to cry on. Dreams are wasted for there's not a soul to share them with. A hug is wasted for there are no arms to reciprocate. A smile is wasted for it does not light up another face. A kiss is wasted for there is no cheek to decorate. Love will be wasted because every sentence stops at the word 'love' and there's no 'you' beyond that.

I don't have you. Simply because you're not here, you're there. Nothing in between.

The Door

The next time you sit down with your coffee at a place far from the safe confines of your home, notice the door.
I noticed a red door at Mochas. It was tall, numbered and really very red. I saw a green door from the bus today. I think I liked the blue door I saw at the vegetable market. A door like that really makes me want to open it. Just to see what’s on the other side.
I may be at a point in my life where I’m not sure which door I’ll see next. But I think it was worth opening every door on the way. I got caught for opening one and praised for opening another. I found Love behind one and a friend behind another. Temptation peeked through the keyhole of that white door and salvation through the corners of the black one. I fell through one door though I really didn’t want to open it. But I was careless I guess. I’ve jammed my fingers between somebody else’s door as well, and while I nursed my poor fingers back to health, I almost wondered if it was God’s way of teaching me a lesson!
Regret should not force us to undo the journey. The best thing is to keep looking out for new doors. I’m yet to find that yellow door.

Serendipity

Destiny they say, is just meant to be. What if I passed you while making my way through the bustling crowd? Have our hands brushed or eyes met for that fleeting second? You think we would have sat next to each other in the bus without realizing that we both were part of a greater plan? That crowded train that rocked our breaths in unison was just one accomplice. Have I ever stopped you on the road to ask you directions? Have you ever bumped into me on a busy morning and said, "Sorry!"?
I think I'll see you on the other side.

I killed an angel today..

Dear Dan,

As I was standing in front of that old church on St. Mark's road today, I suddenly realised something. It was something that happened a long time ago.. but since I realised it today, let’s say I did it today.
As a child I’d play with this bunch of kids from my building. Each time I returned home, I had one toy less. If somebody liked something, that somebody could take it. I didn’t mind. I liked the gleam in that somebody’s eyes. And then my Nanny told me, “Don’t give away things like that!” So I killed the girl who gave away toys like that.

School days were filled with fun and frolic. Katie and Jenny were my best friends. We were in the ‘secret keepers’ club, just the three of us. I spent my nights up helping Katie understand fractions. One day, I found out I was no longer part of the club because Ema was the new girl in town with the new shiny Princess bicycle and she replaced me as ‘secret keeper No. 3’. My aunt told me, “Don’t help anyone for free!” So I killed that girl who helped anyone for free.

College was my ticket to new found freedom and a change in fashion. Ted was best friend and worst critic. And then we hung out together a lot. The movies, the cosy little coffee shop down the street, the monkey mountain and the college canteen. Then he decided I had been around too long. My brother told me, “Don’t trust any guy like that.” And so I killed the girl who trusted any guy like that.

Today, I woke up and remembered who I had become. My mother thought I was the cutest and most innocent thing around when I was an overweight sloppy baby. I didn’t even think it was funny this time.
I killed an angel today. Maybe we all do that. Every time we give up.

With Love
Ann

The end of it happens only in the end..

Would you remember your first day at that new school? Do you remember the teacher who smiled at you and made you sit next to that big fat boy who grinned wickedly at you, grinding his fists in glee? He was of course conjuring images of a nice orientation session with you, and his facial expressions probably made you gulp a big one.And you looked to your right and saw that guy, decorated with zits and big round glasses. The heart warming smile he tried to give you was blinding, for his braces seemed to steal away the glory of whatever teeth he had left in his mouth.
But the lesson was to be smart. Be nice to nerdy boy and swap seats with him so that he'd end up sitting next to Fat Bully boy and you'd be seated next to that window next to the playground. Then you could spend countless hours staring out of it..dreaming of neverland.

Would you remember the first day to college? You climbed onto the bus and raced another burly lady to a seat. Your trimuphant glee soon turned to dismay when you reached your classroom and discovered she was your teacher.The cute guy who flirted with you ended up going out with your best friend. So what if he was just looking for an opportunity to get friendly with her?
The lesson was to be tactful. Be attentive in grumpy lady teacher's class, sit in the first bench and take down notes so she'd realise you had 'repented'. Then in the 'hour of need', refuse to do Cute guy's assignment for him.

So then I can safely conclude that Bully boy, nerdy boy, Grumpy lady and Cute guy have all left a part of themselves in me.
And we never stop learning till the end of life. Every single day, I learn something new from the people around me. There were good times and bad, and the best part is, I'm not just a single piece of stone, carved into a human form. I'm a mix of human lives, each one touching me in some way or the other. Be it good friendship or a depressing heartbreak, I can't deny that I've gained something from each experience. And whether I like it or not, it will continue to be that way. And the end of it all, happens only in the end.

Talk the walk

There is a stretch that I commute everyday from Dadar train station to the bus stop. I can't help but think that if I ever had to drive a car the way I walked this distance, there were be nothing left standing on the roads.

I prepare myself before I slide off the train – armed with headphones, letting the inspiring and energizing music waft through my ears and into my brain. Imagine stepping onto the platform and a mad bubble of humankind rushing towards you. Brace yourself! Here it comes – and bursts on you.

Keanu Reeves did a fantastic job in the matrix and I do a very poor imitation of the same when I try to push my way through the crowd. A concoction of smells hits me when I make my way through the crowd of vegetable sellers and flower vendors. The pungent smell of coriander mixed with the fragrance of roses does wonders for a sleepy brain. Nobody can miss the old bai washing a naked baby girl in the middle of the road with water from an old bisleri bottle. The Salman Khan look-alike holds up some underwear for ‘Rs. 50’ only. I walk by a blue board that says ‘Ladies & Gents for Rs. 99 only’. The ‘Keel Beel’ store for children’s wear makes me wonder if Hollywood would change start patenting its productions. Bright orange and yellow flowers adorn the road and parapets of shops, reminiscent of the Diwali that flew by. A sharp swerve to the right, in order to avoid a morose cow (with horns I did not want to test), landed my pretty yellow sandals in a pile of fresh green dung.

Now buses in Mumbai are pretty efficient. Except for the fact that their numbers are written in Hindi. No do not blame my education, for my Hindi teacher tried his best. By the time I figure out the English equivalent of the same, the bus is on its way, carrying a load of passengers who are grateful that the bus had one person less.

Just another day. Just more to left to learn.

There was once upon a time when I felt beautiful

There was once upon a time when I felt beautiful
When my mother would look at me, when she needed reason to smile
There was once upon a time when I felt beautiful
When my friend hugged me, cried and begged me to stay for a while

There was once upon a time I felt beautiful
When my love was the essence of all things true
There was once upon a time I felt beautiful
When his face lit up on hearing my voice inspite of all I'd do

There was once upon a time I felt beautiful
When this baby held my finger and refused to let go
There was once upon a time I felt beautiful
When I was blessed by a teacher to prosper with all I know

But time erodes the weak
The essence of the past we seek
There was once upon a time I felt beautiful
There will never again be a time to be beautiful..

Sin

Wrenching me out of safe harbour
You broke the anchor that held me still..
Thrown into the midst of squalor
Where existed no protection or free will..

A new spirit is what I thought I'd seek

But the hand that once nurtured has made me weak..

Shallow dreams and insignificant words

Are what remain in my soul's innards..

Disillusioned and left to traverse alone

A journey of painful regret unfolds..

For the sin of slue, I must atone

With tears, a new sculpture the hand moulds..

Moonlight...

When the night is cold
A chill gently drapes itself around my heart..
The streams of memory gently unfold
A realisation dawns, of a story with no ending, only a start

I miss the entirety

The feeling that I get when you're with me..

I miss the sense of belonging, my hiding place

A place in your heart called home, amidst distant barriers I face..

We climbed a mountain, to steal away from the world

We stole like theives, a few precious moments as time unfurled..

Tonight the moon curiously accompanies this night, free

It silently understands and drapes a blanket of light up on me..

Touch

Distance did not occlude,

Quietly, in stealth, a voice did intrude.

It enticed the soul to play,

And secretly crept away...

And each time the voice visits

A fragment of imagination drifts..

into a greater dream of hopeless hope, a minion

Until it sinks to the depths of oblivion

Betrayal of the Phoenix

I yearn to burn

Away into olivion..

Ashes strewn far and wide

With the wind and sun on my side..

I wish to cease to exist
And to be reborn I must resist..
The end is too far away
While we crumble with agony each day..

Half Way ..

The journey had already started before you realized..
But why is coming to terms with reality so tough?
For by the time I had built a companionship so prized
I realized you had fallen back into the rough..

Glass half empty, the moon trying to slip behind a tiny cloud
Half hearted smiles, only disappointment voiced out loud
You gave up before this tryst was sealed
Silence rings in the depths of this empty wound, never to be healed